AI and Marriage

Is marriage for mature people only?

Thank you to Shulman, Ash and the others for bringing up these topics and thank you to all the other substack participants who help me think, including Libby S. who disagrees with me.

Ever since I was young, I dreamed of being married. Raised in a sheltered, insular community, I had no idea, what ‘it’ was. But I knew I wanted it. I wanted to be married, very much. And so I took an interest in all things marriage related, which admittedly, was not much, until I got much older.

And then I attack the subject, I read what ever I could get my hands on, going from the more sensitively-worded topics to the more openly-worded.

My first impressions of marriage were that only ideal marriages are worth anything. My parents’ marriage is as close to perfection as you can imagine. And that was the marriage I knew, and strived for. As I got more worldly, I saw that there were many more kinds of marriages, from good to bad, with kids and without, across all spectrums of humanity. Marriages in a free-for-all American society and marriages in tightly controlled cult groups. Smart people get married and so do the socially-off people. Some are happy and some are not. Some divorce easily, some don’t have that have option. I was kind of stunned that there could exist truly happy marriages outside of my community. What I learnt from this is that to have a happy marriage, you do not need to be worthy or even capable. You just need to learn the secret of marriage, (and be married to someone willing to let you live, which hopefully, isn’t too hard)

Anyone who can eat, and talk can be married, even happily so. Not only that, everyone who eats and talks should get married. Marriage is biological, like breathing. It’s something all species do, even plants. In biology, 5 things characterize life. Reproduction is one of them. Humans are quite smart and they pay for that with more illnesses than any other creature. And that’s why we can rationalize away marriage or just be too sick to handle it.

But that doesn’t make inappropriate forms of marriage ok. Unhealthy marriages are unhealthy, like junk food. Marriage is an interaction of energies, any kind of misuse is playing with fire. (Won’t necessarily kill him, but still won’t do good)

A real marriage is good for you. Feels you up as a human, as a person, as a soul. You don’t need to be worthy to be married. You don’t need to be good at it to try. It’s a basic. Something anyone can learn. No need to give up on yourself. Just look at another community and see. They have different norms, but they’re married. Look in history and you’ll find married people, all types. So you too, could and should be married. You a great spouse and a great parent, because you want to be one. And that’s saying a lot. Because I see other people with their strange ideas of marriage, and yet they are married, and self-describe as happy.

Some people are nervous about AI¹, changing the social norms and dynamics. Personally, I’m not worried about marriages. What AI teaches me is that a person is worth more than the sum of his parts. Holistic.

Humanity has gone through many cultural shifts and every time the conservatives were nervous about social norms. And in the end, people learnt that we are capable of more. We don’t need to use our hands to plow the ground, we don’t need slaves (or even a second class), we can use electricity and big machines. And standard of living rises, not deteriorates. A person is so much more than his physical strength, his social status and even his ability to remember random facts.

“Our bodies are not just a container”². People have a lot of depth and ‘exist in so many ways’. We communicate, interact and benefit in each other on so many levels. Integrated people use all of ourselves, emotional, logical, physical touch and our ability to weigh decisions, free will.

Marriage gives us a chance to relate to another person in a whole new domain. With physical touch, close proximate and intuitive understanding of each other. AI doesn’t shyly warm up to you. AI doesn’t react honestly, getting mad at you. And AI doesn’t have a reciprocal human connection, the joy of figuring another person out.

People have a need for physical touch. Some people they like to be professional and formal, but really they are living in their heads and they’re missing out, they’re not in tune with their physicality. Building a family is another drive in human nature for men and ladies. Sometimes, I wonder if it is a biological drive, or emotional? Is it self-serving or for the greater good? In every case, it’s real and strong, begs to be fulfilled. And I have, yet to meet a mother (or father) who regrets starting a family.

I find the subject of marriage, fertility, and feminism fascinating and I read up lots on the subject.

When women look into marriage intercourse is rarely on the radar. There is a biological reason for this. For women to be with a man, they may get pregnant and that’s a huge toll for them. What women want in a marriage is safety and security and emotional connection. That’s what they need to be able to raise their children properly. ³

There are many misfits in our community. There are misfits everywhere. People are vastly different and not everyone can be stereo-typical. People who are gay may not want to get married and may have a hard time fitting in with community life. But that’s their decision. There is nothing physical or religious stopping them from getting married, in conservative style. The shiduch crises on the other hand, puts people in a situation where I see far less options. These girls can marry someone with obvious flaws or boys from other communities that they don’t respect and don’t relate to. She may find someone attracted to her physically, but cultural gaps are even harder on women, than lack of physical attraction.⁴ As a woman that’s how I see it. (Men may see it differently, their loss)

Obviously, everyone makes their own decisions and most people don’t consult with me. So, try to be as open as possible. Marriage is built on trust. But also on love. And sometimes those two virtues collide. But one more thing soulmates is a real thing. If this spouse is your soulmate, they’ll understand and accept your version of what is best.

Feminist can paint men as having too much lust, and treat their wives like objects. It’s probably not true. But feminist also declare anybody who doesn’t sufficiently desire her, doesn’t deserve to marry her. Bottom line: Feminist stay single and vulnerable. And the men are left sad. Silly, get married and learn each other, together. ⁵

In conclusion, if you agree mark ‘like.’ If you have questions put them in the comments. If you have complaints, let me know, I’d love to prove you wrong.

1. This person on substack was mourning that AI will soon drive his car for him. (was a while back and I cannot find that post now.) But I’m not sure what he minds about that.

2. https://substack.com/@perplexedjew/p-163055117 and Thomas P. Balaz has more articles on Chatgpt

3. https://substack.com/home/post/p-145278453

4. https://substack.com/@elisabethstonee/p-177508455 You should check out Elisabeth Stone. She’s great.

5. Some of my footnotes are probably not the starkest example of the point I wanted to bring out. Feel free to surf substack for sharper points. There’s plenty to find.